Some of you may already know, but a few years back my husband (Bobby) and I unfortunately suffered the loss of three babies. We had 3 miscarriages in less than a year. It had to be the hardest, most awful year we have endured thus far. I asked God a lot of Why's? I wondered why I was going through this. I mean seriously, I am a professional Nanny. I have taken care of and helped raise many other people's children and I couldn't have my own. I became an emotional mess. During the third pregnancy I was, of course, worried if it would be successful. I was praying and really felt God say "Trust Me". We went for an ultrasound and there was actually a heart beat!! Oh my gosh I cried! (We hadn't seen a heart beat in the other 2 pregnancies.) They said the fluid seemed low so we should come back for another in a week. The next week there was no heart beat. None.
I was devastated.
Our hardest loss yet. I cried out to God, "You told me to trust you!!! Why did this happen???"
After going through some grieving I went to get some testing done to find out what was going on. After A LOT of tests I found out I had low progesterone and estrogen levels which made it very difficult to sustain a pregnancy. During the testing period Bobby got laid off not once...but twice. The first time was for 6 months and the second for 9 months. Both times we were without health insurance so I had to stop going to the Dr. Right before I lost insurance for the second time I was told that they didn't know how many eggs I had left and they didn't know how the quality was of the ones that were. So the Dr wanted me to get moving ahead on trying different methods to have a baby. Well, that couldn't happen because we were not going to have insurance. Bobby and I didn't know what to do. Should we move forward without insurance? Should we just trust in what God is doing? What should we do?!!
We decided we should do a fast. We both had never done one before. We prayed and felt we needed to do a 3 day juice fast. Each time we were supposed to eat we prayed. We had times when we prayed with each other and on our own. During the fast God had reminded me of verses in the Bible that talked about the faith of Abraham and his wife Sarah who couldn't get pregnant. Because of the faith of Abraham she ended up having a son at a very old age. At the end of the fast we felt at peace and just felt we needed to trust God's plan for us. We didn't feel we had a clear plan to go ahead with trying to get pregnant, but knew we needed to just trust God. That is something I could tell God was really working on with me. Trusting in Him!
Well after the fast, some things started to happen. The day after we ended the fast we went to see a movie. This movie was a pretty emotional movie but I was surprisingly not crying AT ALL through it. (Very unusual for me since the miscarriages.) Except at the end. A little girl introduced herself as Lily and I literally, out of nowhere, started BAWLING my eyes out. Bobby had no idea what was going on. I didn't know what was going on. All I could say to Bobby was, "I really like the name Lily!" I had no idea where that came from. I used to like the name as a child but never thought much of it as an adult. Well then God was showing me Lilies EVERYWHERE!! He just kept on reminding of this name. I had no idea why but felt it meant something.
One morning during church service I felt I was supposed to look up the biblical meaning of the name Lily. So when I got home I did. My jaw literally fell wide open. I mean God has been working on getting me to trust Him. So guess what the biblical meaning if Lily is??? TRUST IN GOD!!! What??!! Oh my gosh! Okay God!! I TRUST you! So from then on I decided to Trust in God's plan, whatever that may be!
It has been a little over year since God gave me the name Lily and convinced me to Trust Him. I still have my moments but I know His plan for me is perfect and I know I will feel that way whenever a child does come into our lives. Well, I just recently had one of my low moments. I was wondering when God was going to give us a child. I had just finally got medical insurance again and the specialist I was seeing didn't take it. I was so bummed. So I was confused and trying to figure out who I should go see. I was questioning things again. Well, God completely knew how to grab my attention. I was sitting in a Wednesday night Bible Study at church and we were studying the parables. We were discussing about why God doesn't want us to worry. This verse was then read to us; "...Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin," Matthew 6:28 ESV. That verse was followed up by our leader reading some insight from the study and it said
"Lilies can grow in the most unlikely environments."
OH MY GOSH!!! I almost started bawling my eyes out in the middle of class! I mean did I hear that right. Sometimes I know I space out and don't hear things right or fully but this time I knew I heard that loud and clear!
LILIES CAN GROW IN THE MOST UNLIKELY ENVIRONMENTS!!!
Seriously God, you amaze me! First you show me the name Lily. THEN you show me it means trust in God. THEN you tell me that! I mean I have an unlikely environment. I am telling you all this because I really do feel that one day I will get my Lily. I know Lily is a girl's name but I don't know for sure if it means we will have a girl. I just know God used that name to tell me things I needed to hear and to show me I can trust Him. I know someday in the future I will be able to show you that what God has shown me is real. I hope some of you who may be waiting as well can get something out of this post. Maybe some hope. Maybe to trust in God's plan for your life as well. But all I know is I need to "consider the lilies."
