I am sooo NOT in control!

Hey Everyone!
Sorry for the long delay. Life hasnt been going as planned, but yet, when does it ever? I am learning more and more each day that I am not in control and my plans dont mean much. It is all in God's plan and control.
Unfortunately the weight loss journey has been on hold. I have been trying to make better decisions over all but I barely have time to think about it.
I went back to the Dr to get the results to all the fertility testing I had and I believe we at least have an answer to why I keep miscarrying. The average woman's cycle is @ 28 days. Mine is @23 days. We figured out that I do not have enough estrogin and progesterone which lengthens your cycle as well as supports a pregnancy. Good news is it is fixable (medically speaking. we arent sure what God's plans are). Bad news is now is not the time to be fixing it. We cant try for a child again because of the situation we are in.
Bobby has been laid off for about 4 months now. The severance has stopped and we are currently without health insurance. We are applying to Mass Health but everything is so up in the air right now. We knew we were going toget the letter any day that mentioned how much our rent was going to go up but we knew thought that we had 30 days before the end of our lease to give them notice that we had to move out. That would have been January 28. Unfortunately we have until Dec 27th to let them know. So if Bobby doesnt get a job by then we will have to give out notice and move by the end of February. Its gets even more complicated because we have to stay in Burlington. Bobby did really great on his fire fighter tests and the town may be hiring soon. If we were to move out of town he would lose those chances. And so far, there is NOTHING in Burlington we can afford on just my salary. We dont have a clue what we are going to do. I completely trust in direction God has us going, but I wish we would get there already. This year (year and a half now) has been so upsetting and overwhelming to me and all I want is to stop going downhill. I am taking any hours I can possibly get so I am working a ton and I am exhausted. On top of it all, I am sad for a couple reasons. We are not able to buy presents for anyone this year. I know that is not what Christmas is supposed to be about but I know I will be sitting there Christmas day with everyone passing presents they got us and I will just be so depressed that I couldnt give anything to anyone. I love giving people things they want or I think they will enjoy. Another reason I am a little depressed is I was due around Christmas this year with my last pregancy. We had found out that it would have been a girl so everytime I (and my husband) see little girls in their cute little Christmas outfits, I just get so sad. I know it will get better and I know I am going to look back on this many years from now and be so blessed by what we have been given. It is just really, really hard right now.

This is the verse that Bobby and I are continually being reminded of and is giving us some peace on the situation
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Maintenance Required

Just an update. I did a weigh in this morning which I havent done in a little while. I am happy to say I have maintained my weight. (304lbs) I probably gained a couple then lost those couple but considering what could have happened I am proud. I still have A LOT of work to do. I need to get back to excercing on a regular basis and eat better. It has been so hard and I think with all my testing I have some reasons along with I just need to do it.
I have mentioned in my last post that my glucose levels were off which could mean I am prediabetic but we didnt get to talk about it at my last appointment because my Dr. was running late when I went in for my Endometrial Biopsy. I had that procedure (which hurt a lot by the way) and am glad it is over. I go in on Oct 11th to get those results (he was testing for the level of hormones I produce at a certain time in my cycle to see if they are enough to support the beginning of a pregnancy). We will also talk about my glucose test results that day. So I will keep you all posted and I plan on getting my exercise on! I need a lot of maintenace in the eating better and exercise departments and hope to have those up and running ASAP!

And the beat goes on...

Hey Everyone,
I know I havent blogged in a while but this month has been crazy busy. I have had a couple more downs and I just didn't think I could take anymore. My weight loss goals took a back seat and my motivation went down hill. I have been going through more fertility testing to find out what may be causing the miscarriages and Bobby's grandmother passed away. That was such a sad ordeal because not only is it hard losing someone, but the government (she was on section 8) gives you 14 days after the passing to get her stuff out of the apartment. Bobby and I were supposed to go on a much needed vacation and instead we were at his Grandmothers house everyday cleaning it out. Such a hard process when you are trying to grieve. I felt guilty because I was grieving the loss of Bobbby's gramma but at times I could not believe I wasn't going on vacation. I just felt like it was just another dissapointment this year has handed to me.
Like I said, I have also been doing more testing and feel like it is just one test after another. Most recently I had a 3hr glucose test and it seems my sugar went up really high. My doctor may put me on Metformin, a Type 2 diabetes med but I go back to see him on Oct 1st to talk more about it. I am also having another test done that day called an Endometrial biopsy. They are going to biopsy my uterus. He says my uterus may not be providing enough hormones to a fetus to help the numbers (HCG and Progesterone) go up so thats what I am having that done. I am not looking forward to it because it will be painful.
Even with all this going on, I am seeing the things God is doing in my life. I don't know how people get through things without the faith in God. I feel he is already using me getting through this year to help out a friend I have been recently connected to who is going through a hard time right now. I know I am learning to trust God more and that I can't be in control of everything, (or anything really). With the childhood I had, I have had trouble with wanting to be in control so I can control how everything turns out for me. But more and more I am realizing no matter how in control I feel, I never really am.
So now with the possible Diabetes diagnosis I need to lose the weight and get healthy more than ever. I need your help and support. I need walking buddies. I was also thinking of starting an exercise group where we do some sort of fun dance exercising like Zumba or other videos like that. I love dancing but not comfortable (as well as can't afford right now) taking a class. But I would be willing to be with others who would love to find a fun way to exercise but are usually uncomfortable doing it around others. This way we know everyone else is uncomfortable too and we can just get over it. Well let me know if you want to join me in any of that. I am going to start weighing in Monday and start over with weekly weigh ins. Thank you to all who have been asking me about my blog and keeping up with me.

Testing...Testing 123

So this week I am being tested in more ways then 1. I am being tested with food temptations and unfortunately they got the best of me. We went out to eat way too much this past week. I went back to my "we deserve it" mentality. UGH! Really?
Last week was hard and one of the things that my husband remembered it that it was one year ago I found out I was pregnant for the first time. So hard to remember that. And here we are this week finding out test results from the fertility testing I am doing.
We went to the Dr. on Monday to get the results to all the blood they took out of me. The good news is it all came back normal. The bad news is that means more testing. They took more blood out of me (only 2 vials instead of the 12 from before), I have to have a 3 hr glucose test done on Sept. 13, and I will most like have to have an endometrial biopsy done where they biopsy my uterus. I may not be producing enough hormones to support a pregnancy and this will help determine if that may be the case. On top of all that I need to take my basal temp every day for who knows how long. I have to record the temp and everything else personal that goes along with it. (if you really want to know you can go to fertilityfriend.com and look it up.)
Anyways, back to my reality of my weight. I gained a half a pound this week. I am both proud of my self and of course dissapointed in my self. I ate way too much but I did walk A LOT! I have been greatful to have some parents in a playgroup I am in my the little boy I take care of come on walks with me last week. I really appreciate everyones support!
Next week is my birthday week (Aug 23) and I will be taking a much needed vacation with my hubby! We havent been away alone since our honeymoon and it is much needed. A friend from church is letting us stay in her house in Maine. I am so thankful for this blessing as well. If she wasn't able to let us stay then this vacation wouldn't be happening with Bobby's layoff. The great thing is we can go grocery shopping and be in very much control of our food intake. My goal is for this to be the first vacation I come back weighing less then when I got there. We will be going for lots of nice walks and exercise together. I can't wait! I am not sure if I will have internet connection or not so most likely there will be no blog post next week unless there is. But when I get back I hope to have a positive blog post with pictures of our getaway!

Need to step it up

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. It has been crazy at moments and not so much at times. With my weigh in 2 weeks ago I gained a pound and this past Monday I lost that pound. I definitely lost some motivation but feel it coming back again. My birthday is coming up (Aug 23rd) and my new short term goal is to be under 300lbs by then. So that means I have to lose 5 lbs in these next 2 weeks. (I am currently 304lbs). Very doable if I step it up.
I have a couple obstacles these past two weeks and I am proud that I havent raided an ice cream shop or a convenient store. My husband just recently got laid off. We knew that his company was having lay offs but we really didn't think he would be one of them. Well...he was. So now we have this obstacle to get over. He still is really passionate about becoming a fire fighter and I hope that dream comes true for him, but for now he will need something in the meantime.
I also started seeing a fertility specialist to see why I keep miscarrying. I had 12 vials of blood taken out of me during my first appointment along with a full physical and and hour of going over my history. Last Friday I had an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). It is a procedure in which dye is injected into my cervix to check for any abnormalities. Praise God that all came back normal for that. I go back Monday for follow up and get my blood test results back.
So all of this has messed with my emotions. I was worried during the HSG that they would find scarring. I was told there could be because of the sexual abuse from my early childhood. I am so happy to say there was none. I don't know what I would have done if I found out there was and that was the cause of the miscarriages. But I thank God that it wasn't.
Bobby also went away last Thursday on a camping trip and came back yesterday. I don't like when he is away that long. I missed him so much but am glad he is back!
So anyways, time to step it up!!

Another Bump in the Road, But Back on Track!

It's Monday again! I think writing my blog for everyone to read is the only reason I look forward to Mondays.
This week has had its on challenges but I made it through another week. We found out on Wednesday that my husband got laid off from work. UGH! Another thing to deal with. Luckily he gets severance that will last us through October. So I am hoping that he gets another job before then and we will have even more resources coming in then we have had. I am not sure why we are being handed one thing after another but I know I trust in what God is doing and whatever He has planned for us will be worth it. Without God I wouldn't be able to get through all I have been through.
This week I did some workouts with the Biggest Loser on Wii. That is a challenge but I have made it through them. I also took a nice brisk walk around Horn Pond in Woburn with my friend Jenny on Sunday. That was such a nice walk and I look forward to trying to get one in on a weekly basis.
So weigh in was this morning! I am happy to report that I lost 4lbs this week! I am down to 304.5 from 308.5 last week. I am so proud of that! There were a couple of times where I didn't make the greatest choices in food but I did good most of the time. This week my goal is to continue to drink more and more water. I also want to challenge myself. I aim to not have one bad choice this week and I want to see how much I lose if I make all good choices and keep on exercising. I am sure next weeks numbers will be great!

So much to do, So little time

So here it is, Monday again. Weigh in day. I will just get right to it. It was not a good week. I worked almost 60 hrs last week, had a funeral Saturday for a wonderful woman from my church who was taken from us very quickly (but we all know where you are Mary and have peace knowing you are home with the Lord), then spent 6 hrs in the car yesterday helping a friend drive her husband to youth camp up in Rumney, NH. I only got to exercise twice and my eating wasn't great. I am still making better choices, but since I made the mistake and didn't plan for the week then some things were last minute choices that didn't go so well. So the results are, this week I gained back 3.5 lbs. Disappointing, but unlike other times I was upset with a gain, I will not go to the pantry or the refrigerator to take care of my sorrows with food. I can tell every day how I am making better choices. One being I am taking the stairs in my apartment more. So baby steps to start but baby steps can get you far.

On another note, we went up to Borders so I can look for some healthy eating cook books and to see if I could find a book on the Glycemic index. I knew there were a lot of different diet books out there, but when you are standing by the shelves and shelves full of them, you really see what kind of trouble this world is in. There are rows and rows of different kinds of diets for people to go on. If there is one thing I have learned throughout my years of being overweight is following a diet doesn't normally work because they are usually only temporary fixes. I need to make a lifestyle change that will change how I eat for life, not just for the duration of the diet.
I ended up getting a Biggest Loser 30 day jumpstart book that has some great ideas about how to start exercising and eating right, a Glycemic Index diet book which seems so simple to follow and makes total sense and a healthy eating cook book. (Oh, and I also got the new Jennifer Weiner book, Fly Away Home. lol)
The Glycemic Index is such a great reference to go about eating and I reccomend it to everyone. The book I got has been so easy to understand. It is called The GI Diet by Rick Gallop. It says in the cover, "If you Understand a traffic light, you'll understand this Diet." It lists the Red light foods (foods you shouldn't eat), the yellow light foods (foods you can eat but limited), and green light foods (foods you should be eating most of the time). It is something that I can definitely follow. I won't go on and on about the book even though it says a lot that I can share. If you want to know more feel free to ask or get the book yourself. I still have a lot to learn. This week I need to learn how to schedule my time better. I need to schedule in when I will exercise and when I will plan what I will eat each day. There is so much to do when there is so little time, but I need to make this a priority for myself, and I will.

Overwhelmed beyond belief!

I know I just posted yesterday but I wanted to tell you how overwhelmed I am (in a good way) but all the support I am receiving while I embark on this journey. I knew that my close friends would be supportive, but the most overwhelming thing..and I wish we all knew in high school how we would be some day towards each other...is that people who barely spoke to me, wouldn't think about helping me, or maybe talked to me a little but wouldn't be seen at the same table with me at lunch back in the day are encouraging me, giving me advice, following me throughout this journey. Thanks to all who are and those who secretly are. I appreciate it. I guess we all just have grown up to become mature adults who look after one another!

So as an update I went to the gym tonight and pushed myself a little harder on the tredmill then I have been. I feel pretty good about the food choices I have been making. One thing that is hard, which you don't realize is gonna happen, is I need to be able to eat enough every day. I also need to drink lots more water. I keep forgetting. Yesterday it got to be @ 2pm and I realized I hadnt had a single drop to drink. So I need to work on that. Did a lot better today with the water.

Well thats it for now! Thanks again for all your support!

I Am Losing It In So Many Ways!

Hello Everyone!
I have decided to start a blog! This blog will mostly be about my weight loss journey, but I plan to include life updates and how my faith in God is getting me through it all. I hope this helps me be accountable as well as being an inspiration to others!

I will give you a little background on myself and what led me to starting this blog:
I grew up one of 6 children. I definitely had my share of challenges in my childhood. My mother was a single mom most of the time. She did the best she could with what she had. My father went to jail when I was 5 for sexually abusing us. Childhood was tough for me. I did have some great moments and have some happy memories but unfortunately the negative apects of my childhood are in the forefront of my mind. I try to switch it but so far to no avail...
I met my husband when I was 13 (we didn't get married until I was 25) and that helped me get through my high school years. When I went to college I decided to change how I let people walk all over me and that helped me become more outgoing. I also started attending the church my husband grew up in and accepting Jesus as my Lord and Saviour has been life changing!
So fast forward....I got married to my "middle school" sweetheart on April 20, 2007. The BEST day of my life so far! He has gotten me through soo much! God knew I needed a man like him in my life and I am so grateful everyday I wake up next to him!
I have battled with being overweight my whole life. I have done a lot of different things to try and lose weight (nothing drastic or illegal). Out of my whole life this year has proven to be the hardest year I have ever gone through and I need to turn my life around.
My husband and I found out in August of 2009 that I was pregnant! We were so excited! I work as a professional nanny and have taken care of other people's children for years so the thought of having my own was awesome! Soon after we found out that the HCG levels were really low and that it was just a chemical pregnancy. (A pregnancy where the egg and the sperm meet but an embryo never implants.) So I had a miscarriage at about 5-6 weeks into the pregancy. It was devastating. We were told that a lot of women have one with their first and a lot don't even know it. So that gave me hope! We found out in November 2009 that I was pregnant again! I decided I didn't want to keep getting my HCG levels checked because it would drive me nuts. I would just wait until my 7 week ultrasound to see the doctor. The weekend before the u/s I started bleeding a little and I went to the ER. They did an internal u/s and saw a nice sac but didn't see an embryo. They told me that sometimes you can't see it that early so it gave me some hope. At my scheduled u/s that Monday they saw the same thing so they wanted to check it a week later. There was no growth and they told me I would lose that pregnancy. Heartbreak again! This time I went through a D and C because it was getting close to Christmas and the process was just awful. They did some testing on the tissue and found a chromosone abnormality so they had me and my husband go in for a genetic blood test. Fortunately, we both had no genetic abnormalities but what is cauing this to happen?
After the 2nd miscarriage we didn't know what we were gonna do. We got through Christmas and the next few months still undecided. To our surprise in April 2010 I found out I was yet again, pregnant! I didn't get excited at first. It was hard to think that this pregnancy could be successful. I tried to have faith. My levels at first were doubleing like they were supposed to and that helped. When we went for the first u/s we actually saw an embryo in the sac! It was small and they wanted us to have a repeat u/s the following week to check for growth and a heartbeat. So back we went the following week and there was a baby and a heartbeat! The best thing I have ever seen. They still wanted us to come back the next week because it was on the small side but I had so much more hope that this was actually gonna happen! A week later devastation struck again. No heartbeat. The baby had passed away. I just was in shock. I couldn't believe it! I was crying in the exam room. As the Dr. left I just cried out..."but there was a heartbeat last week!" So I ended up having another D and C the following Friday.
All 3 losses were hard but the 3rd one has been the hardest yet. I cry A lot at random things. I am envious of every person I see pregnant or has a child. It is constant in my mind.
We don't know for sure if my weight has anything to do with it. My OB told me that it isn't my fault but it is always in the back of my mind. I am going in August to see a specialist to do some further testing but I have decided that even if my weight did not cause these losses I needed to get it under control. I hope to have a healthy full term pregnancy some day and I believe the child God blesses me with deserves a healthy mommy.
So here is the start of my journey. My overall goal is to lose over 160lbs. I started this journey a week ago when my husband and I decided to do this together. We are going to do weekly weigh ins. My starting weight was 310.5 lbs. OMG!! This is the first time I am letting people know what I weigh. It is embarassing and I just cringed when I saw the number myself so I would appreciate everyone being supportive and no negativity allowed on this blog!
I am happy to report that my weigh in this morning was 305lbs. (did I just say happy about 305lbs?) I lost 5.5 lbs in the first week. Definitely helps with the motivation! I will be weighing in every Monday morning and will keep you posted throughout my journey. I will post my successes and my downfalls. I will post what seems to be working and what isn't. I will even post when I didn't eat well. The only way I am going to be successful is to be completely open and honest throughout this entire journey. I have had many Dr's tell me I should do weight loss surgery. That is my LAST option! I am trying to avoid that and I need your help! I am sorry this first post is sooo long but it is the first post! Thank you in advance for all your support and accountability throughout this process. All are welcome to comment and post their advice. I will post a "before" pic when I find one that I am the least embarrassed about. Love you all!!